my heart says........

sometimes, people do have something that cannot be tell to anyone... so... they decided to keep it in their heart... but, when they feel troubled and frustrated.... they have to solve it by themselves because to them, the secret must be remained in their heart... no one else should know about it... i was thinking about it... and i do have something that i couldn't tell anyone else... i dunno how to express my feelings into words to the people that i have to... i dunno why... do anyone noe why?? being honest is something really great... honesty can be gud and bad.... some honesty will let people change, will let people be someone better.... some honesty will made others hurt... will made others in pain... so... do we have to be honest? i used to keep everything in my heart and cover it with a lie... to me, as long as other people is happy, i will be happy... but... i was wrong... whenever i lied to someone, i feel sad... i feel hurt... and i'm not sure whether that particular person that i'm lying to will believe my lies or not.... i'm scared that they will hurt and sad... i tried my best to take everything positive and i want everyone to be happy.... i kept on thinking for others... i thought, they will think for me too... care for me... but... i'm wrong again.... they will just take advantages on me... they want something from me... my determination in work, my care, my love... they will never care to say thanks though.... i'm sad with their attitude... bt.. i can't do anything.... because i love all of them... i wan them to be happy... one day, i was hurt... really hurt... and that made me changed my mind... the lies that i made will never and ever make me happy... although they are happy, bt, they will never realized that i juz need some attention from them... they never realized that i'm in pain... i'm sad... i dun understand... i dunno wad have i done... i dunno wad is my fault... i did my best... juz... maybe becauseof my lies... i have to take tis responsibility.... being punished by my own lies.... i was in pain.. i was drowned by tears everyday... i did not smile.... whenever i smile... that's juz a lie... juz to make everyone noes that i'm happy... juz to cover my sadness and pain... one day... both of my best friend gathered to talk to me... they told me that they were sad seing me in that kind of situation... they wanted the old me back... bt... i can't... i lost myself somewhere in the sadness dessert... bt... i tried my best to stand up again for them... at least.. i noe that gt someone who care about me.... so... i collected my courages and stood up once again... bt this time... i'm nt the same me again.... i became stronger and my every words that came out from my mouth are the truth... i've become honest to myself and my own feelings.... it's something hard... but... that's the new me... i dun like to lie anymore... i cannot bear to be hurt again... i've had enough of it... it's ok if you dun care about me anymore... i didn't expect anything from you... because i noe... i'm not gud enough for you.... that's what i will tell myself whenever i gt into a problem... i gt new frens... build up a new relationship... being my own self... bt... i still face the same problem with my friends... huh~ tired of this.... i am really tired... so nw... up to u my dear fren... i won't say anything anymore.... i will be there if you need me.... i've forgive you... bt, i will never forget the things that you have done to me... i will remember that always.... i will make that as a lesson... i think that i gave all of you to much of chances... bt i din give one to myself... nw... no more chances... if you want one.. then you make one for yourself... i will never give you again... when that happens, i will appreciate you... bt... if that time never arrive, then you will be in my memory box forever.... i dunwan to put any hope... miracles will happen i noe... bt... hopes and miracles disappeared at the time that i need it the most... so... i won't believe in it anymore... no more... this is the result of what all of you done to me in the past... it's just weird rite? bt... i have no other choice... please.... so understand my feelings... for once~