exam week?

i noe all of you don't like exam week rite? me too... bt... i've never been so annoyed, stressed and frustrated in exam week... bt... that happened to me in these two weeks... i went through a lot... the first and second day of exam went on good... and i though it will continued till the last day... bt i was wrong... the third day of exam was terrible... i had a bad headache since the night before that... then the headache continued for a whole day... that particular morning too, i feel down at the bus stop... with my heavy head, my leg add another pain on my body... the paper wasn't that good.. i didn't do it well.. bt i hope i can pass that paper... on saturday... it's listening paper... i thought the faculty will prepare a bus or two for us to go to seksyen 17 to take our exam... bt i was wrong... when i went down, i saw my friends standing and waiting at the taxi corner... so i asked them, 'isn't there any bus for us today?' unfortunately, there's no bus at all... so i waited wif my friends... for an hour... we thought we would be late for our exam paper... luckily, a taxi came and took us to seksyen 17... bt, the driver wasn't in a good mood... he drove very fast and the four of us were scared.... luckily we arrived there safely... that evening, i went to my uncle's house... tot of releasing my tension... and yea.. i did... i sleep for hours at my uncle's house... i didn't do anything during my stay there... i juz sleep, eat, bath and watch tv... didn't even open my book to study... bt on sunday morning, i received a text message from my class rep saying that my lecturer asking me to pass up my reading journal 1, if not, there will be no marks for me... i was shocked.. i remembered i am the one who collected all the journals and i am the one who counted the hournals and i am the one who took the journals and put it all inside my lecturer's car... luckily my lecturer remembered me and she said she'll double check i for me... then just now, i gt a phone call from my classmate.. she said she bumped onto ustazah and ustazah said that she doesn't have my mid term test mark... she tot i didn't take the test... so i called her at once and i told her my marks... i was thinking why i'm having this bad luck during my exam week... i hope that everything will be ok soon... there will be another paper tommorow.. really hope that no more bad news come up to me in this two days time...

my heart says........

sometimes, people do have something that cannot be tell to anyone... so... they decided to keep it in their heart... but, when they feel troubled and frustrated.... they have to solve it by themselves because to them, the secret must be remained in their heart... no one else should know about it... i was thinking about it... and i do have something that i couldn't tell anyone else... i dunno how to express my feelings into words to the people that i have to... i dunno why... do anyone noe why?? being honest is something really great... honesty can be gud and bad.... some honesty will let people change, will let people be someone better.... some honesty will made others hurt... will made others in pain... so... do we have to be honest? i used to keep everything in my heart and cover it with a lie... to me, as long as other people is happy, i will be happy... but... i was wrong... whenever i lied to someone, i feel sad... i feel hurt... and i'm not sure whether that particular person that i'm lying to will believe my lies or not.... i'm scared that they will hurt and sad... i tried my best to take everything positive and i want everyone to be happy.... i kept on thinking for others... i thought, they will think for me too... care for me... but... i'm wrong again.... they will just take advantages on me... they want something from me... my determination in work, my care, my love... they will never care to say thanks though.... i'm sad with their attitude... bt.. i can't do anything.... because i love all of them... i wan them to be happy... one day, i was hurt... really hurt... and that made me changed my mind... the lies that i made will never and ever make me happy... although they are happy, bt, they will never realized that i juz need some attention from them... they never realized that i'm in pain... i'm sad... i dun understand... i dunno wad have i done... i dunno wad is my fault... i did my best... juz... maybe becauseof my lies... i have to take tis responsibility.... being punished by my own lies.... i was in pain.. i was drowned by tears everyday... i did not smile.... whenever i smile... that's juz a lie... juz to make everyone noes that i'm happy... juz to cover my sadness and pain... one day... both of my best friend gathered to talk to me... they told me that they were sad seing me in that kind of situation... they wanted the old me back... bt... i can't... i lost myself somewhere in the sadness dessert... bt... i tried my best to stand up again for them... at least.. i noe that gt someone who care about me.... so... i collected my courages and stood up once again... bt this time... i'm nt the same me again.... i became stronger and my every words that came out from my mouth are the truth... i've become honest to myself and my own feelings.... it's something hard... but... that's the new me... i dun like to lie anymore... i cannot bear to be hurt again... i've had enough of it... it's ok if you dun care about me anymore... i didn't expect anything from you... because i noe... i'm not gud enough for you.... that's what i will tell myself whenever i gt into a problem... i gt new frens... build up a new relationship... being my own self... bt... i still face the same problem with my friends... huh~ tired of this.... i am really tired... so nw... up to u my dear fren... i won't say anything anymore.... i will be there if you need me.... i've forgive you... bt, i will never forget the things that you have done to me... i will remember that always.... i will make that as a lesson... i think that i gave all of you to much of chances... bt i din give one to myself... nw... no more chances... if you want one.. then you make one for yourself... i will never give you again... when that happens, i will appreciate you... bt... if that time never arrive, then you will be in my memory box forever.... i dunwan to put any hope... miracles will happen i noe... bt... hopes and miracles disappeared at the time that i need it the most... so... i won't believe in it anymore... no more... this is the result of what all of you done to me in the past... it's just weird rite? bt... i have no other choice... please.... so understand my feelings... for once~

Mengapa??

mengapakah?? adakah mempermainkan perasaan orang itu satu permainan yang menghiburkan hati?? pernah tak awak terfikir yang perasaan orang yang murni dan indah itu bole menjadi racun terhadap dirinya sendiri? jikalau awak tidak pernah menyayangi seseorang itu, tolonglah jangan memberikan harapan kepada mereka... mereka akan sentiasa menympan harapan itu walaupun hanya sekecil habuk.... tolonglah... lepaskan genggaman awak itu daripada insan tersebut... awak hanya akan menyakitinya lagi.... kenapa awak tidak mengerti sehingga sekarang?? awak merupakan pelajar cemerlang... cemerlang dalam segala-galanya... tetapi... mengapakah awak bertindak sedemikian?? mengapakan menyakiti insan yang menyayangi awak dengan setulus hatinya?? saya tidak mengerti... saya sangkakan segala-galanya akan kembali seperti semula... namun, anggapan saya salah... salah sama sekali!!~ awak hanya menyakitinya... kenapa?? apa yang telah dia lakukan??? apakah kesalahannya?? saya tidak mengerti... saya sangka awak akan menyayanginya dengan setulus hati awak... menerimanya seadanya... tetapi... perkarayang sebaliknya telah berlaku.... hati orang... tiada siapa yang faham... ya... memang betul... memang saya tidak mengerti hati dan perasaan dia sepenuhnya... tetapi, saya tidak sanggup melihatnya sedih.. tak sanggup melihatnya dalam kesakitan... dan... mengapakah kesakitan itu harus berpunca dari kamu??? mengapa?? tidak cukup lagi ke kesakitan dan bekas bekas luka yang telah awak tinggalkan kepada dia?? mengapa awak tidak pernah memahami perasaanya? saya tidak boleh menerimanya... untuk melepaskan sesuatu memang susah... tapi, saya akan membimbingnya untuk keluar dari kepompomng awak... saya tidak akan membenarkan awak menyakiti dia lagi... dia adalah insan yang penting dalam hidup saya... telah banyak yang kami lalui bersama... saya berada di sisinya tidak kira susah atau senang... saya tidak sanggup melihatnya merana sekali lagi... tidak.... saya tidak boleh terima yang awak telah bertindak sedemikian terhadapnya.. saya sebak... dan saya tidak mempercayainya.... jangan risau... saya akan memastikan yang dia akan kembali ke dirinya yang dahulu... saya akan memastikan bahawa dia keluar dari mimpi lama dan mula mengukir mimpi baharu untuk kehidupan yang lebih menawan~

friends? hurt??

friend.... is someone that i trust.... someone that i share my feelings with.... someone that i care about... but now.... the word 'friend' itself scares me a lot.... i don't like it.... it took a long time for me to accept someone in my life... and now... it happened again... but... it hurts me more... i'm deeply hurt... is it necessary to do it that way just because of the person?? i cannot accept it!! if you are no satisfied with what i am doing, you can just open your big mouth that are provided to you since you were born, and arrange the words and just tell me.... is it that difficult?? i don't think so... you think you can keep it for your whole life??? you think you can keep using me??? using me to fulfill the emptiness in your brain? using me to get a good grade??? you think i will let that happen?? you are totally wrong... i know i've promised my friend to treat you as usual... but... it's just impossible for me to do so... you don't understand what i felt... you seriously don't understands me at all!! with that, you still have the courage to call yourself as my BEST FRIEND?? OH!!~ PLEASE!!!~ don't act like you know everything... you don;t know a single thing about me.... that's for sure... you are way tooooo racist... and... frankly speaking, i hate racist people... i just cannot accept someone like you in my life anymore... next time when you see me, i won't treat you that friendly anymore... please... don;t ask me why... and don't ever and ever blame me for what i'm doing at the particular moment... you said that i complained a lot right?? you said that i am very annoying right?? so... from now on... i won't approach you.... i won't bother you anymore... no more... you don;t have to worry.... no worries.... i will do everything that make you happy.... as long as i do it that way, i won't get hurt anymore... now, it's not about considering other people's feeling or heart... but... it's all about my feelings and my heart... i apologize for my selfishness... but... that's what i've learnt so far... i am not able to take care of everyone's heart anymore... i realized that my hear and my feelings are way more important... thank you for teaching me such a precious lesson.

love? is it born to be controlled?

love... it is something complicated for us to understand.... but, when we are really in love, we can disolve that compication and experience the sweet moments with joy and happiness. but, what will happen when someone that you love is controlling your life? is that something that we can call as sweet memory? is it something that we can be proud of? when you don't understand what is love, you tend to try to fall into it, but, when you already fell into it, you tend to escape from it. why is this happening? it is crystal clear that you dun understand what is LOVE!!!~ is it?? but.... you don't know what had happened... just imagine, whenever you are planning to go out and have some fun or even release tension with your friends, you beloved one doesn't let you go.... not enough with that, he'll present himself at the shopping mall that you are planning to go and walk through the whole shopping mall just to make sure that you are not there. besides that, he will access to your phone account and check you account just to make sure who did you text or call... where is the freedom for you?? we want something call love to present in our live, but, we cannot lose our freedom too... if the one that we love keep on doing the things that he likes to control us from doing this and that, then, what else can we do? just entertain him and leave the entertainment for ourself behind and locked it in a room? like that??? it is soooo not true!!~ why must he control you when you didn't even tend to control him and chain him with you all the time.... my dear.... love is something to be shared.... not some sort of reason for you to control the one that you love.... if you ever use the reason "do you love me? if you do... then please.... promise me.... bla bla bka....".... that kind of reason shall not appear in the world of love..... you can't control someone's will, body and heart.... if you keep on doing that, you have to prepare to lose the one that you love... remember that~

maple

dark clouds cast a shadow over our hearts
i listen intently to the feelings that have long been silenced
distinct and clear
just like a beautiful landscape
that can only be clearly seen in one's memories
can a heart that has been throughly wounded continue to love me?
i tried hard to hold your cold hands
the tenderness in the past
is locked in time
all that's left are sadness that cannot be dispered
longing is like maple leaves, slowly drifting down
i light the candle to warm this year end autumn
the aurora steals across the horizon
the north wind flits across the face that thinking of you
ashes from my burning heart falls like leaves
but i can never regain your familiar face again
longing is like maple leaves, slowly drifting down
why must i recover them all before the winter arrives?
my love for you transcends all the time
two streams of tears that were shed for the autumn's end
let the love flood through
i just want you by my side
can a heart that has been throughly wounded continue to love me?
i tried hard to hold your cold hands
the tenderness in the past
is locked in time
all that's left are sadness that cannot be dispered
the lush mountainside forest
withers in the north wind
i sway the windchime gently
attempting to awaken this abandoned love
snowflakes have already covered the ground
fearing that the maple leaves outside the window are already frozen